


Cabin Pressure- Aviemore!

by orphan_account



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Gen, I really love picking on Martin I'm so sorry captain I love you really, I wrote an episode because I was bored, Script Format, Skiing, in which I talked to a fictional character, okay I'll stop tagging now, please help have I gone mad, that was an unnecessarily long tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-29
Updated: 2013-08-29
Packaged: 2017-12-25 00:53:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/946736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Douglas is good at everything, Arthur falls over and Martin has an inconvenient fear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cabin Pressure- Aviemore!

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this almost entirely in my head whilst on a skiing trip in Aviemore with my family, hence the setting. It's my first attempt at anything script format of any real length, so comments and ideas for improvement are always welcome :-)  
> Please note that I do not own these wonderful characters and am merely borrowing them for a while, and that I make no profit from what I write.

MARTIN: Can you give me the weather report please, Douglas?  
DOUGLAS: Certainly. Lots of everything, absolutely everywhere.  
MARTIN: What?  
DOUGLAS: Heavy rain, followed by sunshine, sleet, snow and fog.  
MARTIN: What? How on earth can there be all that at once?  
DOUGLAS: Well, Martin, I have heard it on very good authority that there is in fact a word for weather like this.  
MARTIN: Oh, yes? What is it?  
DOUGLAS: Scotland.

OPENING CREDITS- THIS WEEK, AVIEMORE!

DOUGLAS: Remind me again why we’re doing this?  
ARTHUR: Oh, come on Douglas! It’ll be brilliant!  
MARTIN: Actually, Carolyn, I agree with Douglas. Why are we here?  
CAROLYN: Because we are in Aviemore-  
DOUGLAS: But we weren’t supposed to be in Aviemore, were we? We’re supposed to be at that airfield in Inverness, waiting on our client.  
CAROLYN: Nevertheless, we are in Aviemore, and when they are in Aviemore people ski. I’ve seen them at it.  
MARTIN: Have you ever actually been skiing, Carolyn?  
CAROLYN: No, I have not.  
MARTIN: Right, so at least we’re all learning togeth-  
CAROLYN: And I don’t intend to break that pattern now.   
MARTIN: What do you mean?  
CAROLYN: I mean, that I am going to sit in the sunshine outside the café and watch two rubbish pilots and my idiot son tie bits of wood to their feet and fall over.  
DOUGLAS: What, so you’re not even coming? We’re only here because your boyfriend paid us in cheap with Cal Air!  
CAROLYN: Oh, for goodness’ sake. I will spell it out to you in words of ONE SYLLABLE!  
DOUGLAS: Oh, goody.  
CAROLYN: He is not my boy friend he is just a man whom I have spent some time with.  
DOUGLAS STARTS TO SPEAK, BUT CAROLYN CUTS HIM OFF  
CAROLYN: Boyfriend is two words.  
DOUGLAS: Damn.

NEXT SCENE. THEY ARE HIRING SHOES- YOU CAN HEAR THE BACKGROUND NOISE.  
MARTIN: Could this queue be any longer?  
ARTHUR: Oh, cheer up Skip! We’re nearly there!  
DOUGLAS: Compared to how near we are to the moon, certainly. We are further, however, than we are from the bar, which is where I would almost surely be spending my time if the almighty Hercules hadn’t got us all a day’s pass.  
MARTIN: I thought you didn’t drink?  
DOUGLAS: True. I don’t ski, either.  
ATTENDANT COMES OVER  
DOUGLAS: Ah, finally!  
ATTENDANT: Are you hiring skis?  
DOUGLAS: Skis, boots, jackets, helmets, goggles, everything else and the kitchen sink.  
ATTENDANT: Okay, we’ll just sort that out. And what size of shoes would you like?  
DOUGLAS: Eleven, please.  
ATTENDANT: And you two?  
ARTHUR: Ten.  
MARTIN: Seven and a half, please.  
ATTENDANT: OK, just one moment. If you’ll just wait here a moment…  
ATTENDANT LEAVES  
DOUGLAS (laughing): Seven and a half? Really?  
MARTIN: Douglas…  
DOUGLAS: I suppose, any bigger and you’d not be able to lift them.  
MARTIN: Douglas, seriously. Can we please just go for one day without any jokes about my height?  
DOUGLAS: Well, the short answer is-  
MARTIN: Douglas..!  
ATTENDANT: Here you are, sirs-  
ARTHUR: Wow!  
MARTIN: What is it now? They’re just shoes, Arthur. Surely even you cannot possibly be excited at the prospect of wearing clumpy, too-big shoes that have been worn by at least a hundred others, all with exceedingly bad foot odour.   
ARTHUR: No, but… Look at them! They’re like… space boots!  
DOUGLAS: Space boots, Arthur?  
ARTHUR: Yeah! You know, like astronauts wear to go to the moon!  
MARTIN: What, to go skiing?  
ARTHUR: …Wow!  
MARTIN: No, Arthur! You can’t ski in space, there’s no gravity or air or-  
ARTHUR: But just think about it… Skiing in space!  
MARTIN: Oh, for God’s sake…  
ATTENDANT CALLS OUT  
ATTENDANT: Next please!  
DOUGLAS: Oh good, that’s us.  
ATTENDANT: And your names please?  
DOUGLAS: Douglas Richardson, Martin Crieff and Arthur Shappey. Take your pick which is which.  
ATTENDANT: Oh…kay, and your height?  
DOUGLAS: Six foot two.  
ATTENDANT: Thank you sir. And you?  
ARTHUR: Five foot eleven.  
ATTENDANT: Excellent. And, sir..?  
DOUGLAS: Oh yes. Do please tell.  
MARTIN (mumbling): Five… five foot six.  
DOUGLAS (splutters- trying not to laugh): I’m… I’m sorry, what was that?  
MARTIN: Five foot six, I’m- I’m five foot six and you know what? That’s all any of you ever see! I’m 37 years old and I fly a plane, I’m a captain, for God’s sake, your commanding officer, Douglas! But, ohhh no. No, ignore all of that- I’m shorter than you. That- that’s it, that’s all you know about me! Captain Martin Crieff, professional pilot, senior officer, and short. I’ve had enough, I’ve- I just want one day- one day, Douglas- without any of you laughing at me. Please.  
A MOMENT’S SILENCE  
ATTENDANT: Umm… five foot six (you hear him tapping the information into a computer). OK, here are the skis! Have a nice day.  
DOUGLAS: There is a very small chance-  
MARTIN: Douglas! Please!  
THEY START TO WALK AWAY, THEN YOU HEAR A LOUD THUD  
ARTHUR (muffled): Wow! You really, really miss your knees when they stop working.   
DOUGLAS: Really. Every day, another interesting fact. However would we manage without you- Arthur Shappy, walking encyclopaedia.   
MARTIN: Look, just… come on Arthur. We’re here now- we might as well ski.  
DOUGLAS: How could I forget.

OUTSIDE, ON THE SLOPES  
ARTHUR: Wow! Look at all that snow!  
DOUGLAS: Snow? In a ski resort? I’m astonished. Come on, we’ll take the lift to the top.  
MARTIN: Do- do we have to?  
DOUGLAS: Well, yes, Martin, it’s the easiest way. Unless you’re telling me you’d like to climb the next two thousand feet up a mountain- wearing skis?  
MARTIN: No, no. I- It’s fine.  
DOUGLAS: Good. Come on then.  
ON THE SKI LIFT  
SOUND OF FASTENING SEATBELT- RUSHED, PANICKY  
DOUGLAS: Martin, what on earth’s the matter with you? You’ve been on edge ever since you got here. Is there something bothering you?  
MARTIN: No! Nothing, nothing at all is bothering- oh, no.  
DOUGLAS (exasperated): What?  
MARTIN: Nothing, nothing.  
THE SKI LIFTS GIVES A LOUD CLUNK AS IT PASSES THROUGH ONE OF THOSE PULLEY THINGIES WHICH I DON’T KNOW THE NAME OF BUT IF YOU’VE BEEN SKIING YOU’LL KNOW WHAT I MEAN  
MARTIN GIVES A SMALL SCREAM  
DOUGLAS: Martin, are you… scared?  
MARTIN STARTS TO SPEAK, BUT DOUGLAS CUTS HIM OFF  
MARTIN: I don’t know what you-  
DOUGLAS: Scared of what?  
MARTIN: I told you, I-  
DOUGLAS (interrupting): Oh, Martin. Surely not. Not even you.  
MARTIN: Douglas-  
DOUGLAS: Are you seriously telling me that you’re the world’s only professional pilot that’s scared- of heights?  
MARTIN: Actually, I-  
ARTHUR (chipping in helpfully): Wow! Those people look so tiny! Brilliant! They’re like ants!  
DOUGLAS: Yes… Long way down, isn’t it, Martin?  
MARTIN SAYS NOTHING  
DOUGLAS: One could only begin to imagine what would happen if we were to fall…  
MARTIN (choking slightly with fear): Douglas, please-  
DOUGLAS: …all the way down, down, onto the snow.  
MARTIN: No, I mean it. Stop it now.  
DOUGLAS WHISTLES, INDICATING A LONG DROP  
MARTIN: Douglas!  
DOUGLAS (gleefully): You are! Martin, you fly planes for a living! How on earth can you be scared of heights?  
MARTIN (half-crying): It’s alright in GERTI. There’s- seats, and a floor, and walls and things. It’s not so bad then. It’s just that now- out in the open-  
DOUGLAS (sarcastically): Of course. How silly of me.  
ARTHUR: Oh, cheer up, Skip! Everyone’s afraid of something. Look at me!  
DOUGLAS: True. Some days you’re terrifying.  
ARTHUR: No, I mean- I’m scared of loads of things! Like mice, for instance. And clowns. And those spray cans of deodorant-  
DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur, thank you. The point I am trying to make, however, is that you at least are not a pilot- someone who spends most of his time in the air- who is afraid of heights. Unlike Martin.  
MARTIN (quietly): Listen, Douglas- please don’t tell Carolyn about this. I…I might lose my job, and, well, not many airlines would be willing to take on a pilot… well, a pilot like me. What would my CV look like? Martin Crieff, age 37, short, took seven goes to get his license and is afraid of heights. I’d be laughed out of the room.  
DOUGLAS: Well, that all depends. What’s in it for me?  
MARTIN (quickly): I’ll give you first crack at the cheese tray for the next month.  
DOUGLAS: No.  
MARTIN: The next year, then! Just please, please don’t let Carolyn find out.  
DOUGLAS: Alright. You’ve got a deal. Oh, and Martin?  
MARTIN: Yes?  
DOUGLAS: Don’t look down.  
DOUGLAS AND ARTHUR SKI AWAY SMOOTHLY. AT LEAST, Douglas DOES- ARTHUR KIND OF…FLOPS. MARTIN HURRIEDLY FUMBLES FOR HIS SEATBELT  
MARTIN (panicking): Wait for me!

AT THE SUMMIT  
MARTIN: Right, well the green runs look the easiest- I’ll stick with those. Arthur, Carolyn says you’re sticking with me… Douglas, what about you? Can you ski?  
DOUGLAS: Tell you what, Martin, I’ll give you a clue: I am me. Does that answer your question?  
DOUGLAS SKIS AWAY  
MARTIN: Right then. This way, I think. Come on, Arthur.  
ARTHUR: Righto, Skip!

SKIING  
MARTIN: You know, this is actually quite easy once you get the hang of it. I don’t see what all the fuss was about.  
ARTHUR: Yeah! [ow] It’s [aaaugh! Not that way!] good once your [ouch] legs learn to work together.  
MARTIN: Right, so if we just make sure we turn this way and not down that red run-  
ARTHUR: Brilliant!  
PAUSE  
ARTHUR: Umm… Skip?  
MARTIN: Yes, Arthur?  
ARTHUR: I think my legs have forgotten how to turn.  
MARTIN: It’s simple, Arthur. Just like you.  
ARTHUR: Hey!  
MARTIN: You just… Umm… Ah.  
ARTHUR: What’s wrong, Skip?  
MARTIN: I can’t turn either. Or… or stop. Or- oh no.  
ARTHUR: Skip?  
MARTIN: Oh God no. We’re headed for the red. Arthur, turn around. Turn- turn around, Arthur!  
DOUGLAS (distant): Hey, Chief!  
MARTIN: Douglas! Douglas, please help. There’s still time to stop!  
DOUGLAS: I might be wrong, but I think you’re about to ski down the jump run.  
ARTHUR: Good news, Skip!  
MARTIN: What is it?  
ARTHUR: I remembered how to stop!  
DOUGLAS: This makes me feel entertained.  
MARTIN: Douglas! Help me, please!  
DOUGLAS: One thing you could do is ski down the green run instead, as was doubtless your intention. How does that sound to-  
MARTIN SCREAMS AS HE GOES OVER THE EDGE AND DOWN THE FIRST JUMP  
DOUGLAS: Oh, he’s gone.  
MARTIN: OHMYGOOOOOOD NOOOOOOOOOO!  
A LOUD CRASH  
MARTIN: I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I-  
RANDOM SKIER: What the hell were you thinking, coming down at that speed? You could have killed someone!  
MARTIN: I didn’t mean to! I couldn’t stop!  
RANDOM SKIER: It’s incompetent fools like you that are ruining the slopes for the rest of us!  
MARTIN: I- Hang on a moment. Do I know you?  
SKIER REMOVES MASK, REVEALING…  
MARTIN: Herc?  
HERC: Martin! I’d forgotten I’d booked you in today. How the devil are you?  
MARTIN: I- I think I’ve broken my ankle. I- Ow!- could you help me?  
DOUGLAS SKIS DOWN  
DOUGLAS: Hello there, Herc. Hadn’t expected to see you here. And Martin! Does your foot normally face that way?  
HERC: Come on, Douglas. Let’s get Martin off the mountain.  
THEY LIFT MARTIN AND HELP HIM OFF THE SLOPE

IN THE HOSPITAL  
DOCTOR: Well, there’s good news and bad news. The good news is, it’s a clean break. Should heal relatively quickly.  
MARTIN: That’s a relief. And what’s the bad news?  
DOCTOR: Well, we’d like to keep you in overnight, just to make sure you’re really OK.  
CAROLYN: What? Can’t he come back to work?  
MARTIN: Carolyn! I just broke my ankle, on a skiing trip that your boyfriend made me go on, and you’re worried about MJN? I didn’t even want to be here!  
DOUGLAS: Anyway, he clearly won’t be flying for a few weeks. Hard luck, Martin.  
CAROLYN: But- what are we going to do? We’ve got to fly that stag do next week, it’s Birling Day on the 29th-  
DOCTOR: If I may interrupt? There will be absolutely no plane-flying until your leg is better.  
MARTIN: Fine. I’ll stay overnight.  
DOCTOR: Excellent. There’s just one small problem.  
MARTIN: What is it?  
DOCTOR: Your foot won’t reach the strap…  
END CREDITS

**Author's Note:**

> I'm convinced that Martin is secretly scared of heights okay. I had to fit it in somewhere :p


End file.
